there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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