i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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