im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
