Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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