I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
