so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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