don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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