Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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