I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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