I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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