i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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