what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
