Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Drake has all the answers
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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