You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
