I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
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Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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