i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
this boner is exhausting
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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