This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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