I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
