im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
