thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
