Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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