I faked an abortion last night.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
