He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
