Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm gonna fight the coyote
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
