She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
