if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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