just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize