I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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