so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
