I cockslap morals
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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