Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
