there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
