I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
