you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
