before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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