is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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