Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
