can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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