12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
