I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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