Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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