I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
