i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
