ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
