If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
