do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
