the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
