I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
