He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
