So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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