someone threw a dead crab at me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
