Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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