I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
