I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
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This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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