My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
