why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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