Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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