Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
People with herpes should wear stickers.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
