you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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