I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
